I used to be such a happy, easy-going, and cheerful kid. I had nothing to worried about. I was always happy. Life was simple. I had someone that I could rely on, someone that I looked up to and someone that I set as an example in life. Until one day, that someone just wasn't there anymore. I didn't have someone that I could rely on anymore and someone that I can set as an example in real life.
My family.. They are complicated. And so I grew up through my teenage years to become who I am today. I was starting to close myself. I had a lot of friends back then. So many friends. But I left them. One by one, I left them. I don't know why. Day by day, I got through by myself. I was just.. by myself. Alone.
Then, I started to lose my confidence.
I don't exactly know when it started. But one day, I looked at mirror, and I don't like what I see. I judged my face, my skin, and my hair. I used to be okay with everything. Not anymore. And then, I started to get anxious about my capability. I started to think that I'm not capable. I'm not smart enough. Or talented enough. That I'm not worth it. That I'm not able to do anything.
It creates a cycle. The one that's almost impossible to break out of.
First, I will be just fine. Then, I will realize something about my weakness, becoming overthinking about it, blaming myself for it. Saying that I can't help myself because of that weakness, then I will have a breakdown when I'm alone. Because of that, I will try to make myself feel better by watching something funny, then I will be just fine again. Such an exhausting cycle.
But I know, by just watching something funny isn't going to help me. I know, that my 'thoughts' are just getting repressed. They are piling up, becoming a mountain of negative thoughts, waiting for the perfect time to burst and ruin me. I'm so scared.
I keep blaming, and blaming myself. I'm scared of the future. I know saying all these doesn't help my problem. It will only get worse if I keep thinking about it. But it will also get worse if I don't do something about it.
You know, every time I try to start doing something positive, I doubt myself, "Can I pull this off?", "Am I even worth it to make something good?"
GOD, I'm so pathetic.
I thought I was a strong person, you know? I didn't care about the world. I didn't care what people think. But what I also didn't realize, my ignorance is what keeps me from getting close to people. I didn't care. Why didn't I care? I want to care. I need to care. But... I just don't.
Anyway, I'm writing this not because I want any of you guys to give me advice. This writing alone makes me feel like I'm being productive. That's it. Peace.
My family.. They are complicated. And so I grew up through my teenage years to become who I am today. I was starting to close myself. I had a lot of friends back then. So many friends. But I left them. One by one, I left them. I don't know why. Day by day, I got through by myself. I was just.. by myself. Alone.
Then, I started to lose my confidence.
I don't exactly know when it started. But one day, I looked at mirror, and I don't like what I see. I judged my face, my skin, and my hair. I used to be okay with everything. Not anymore. And then, I started to get anxious about my capability. I started to think that I'm not capable. I'm not smart enough. Or talented enough. That I'm not worth it. That I'm not able to do anything.
It creates a cycle. The one that's almost impossible to break out of.
First, I will be just fine. Then, I will realize something about my weakness, becoming overthinking about it, blaming myself for it. Saying that I can't help myself because of that weakness, then I will have a breakdown when I'm alone. Because of that, I will try to make myself feel better by watching something funny, then I will be just fine again. Such an exhausting cycle.
But I know, by just watching something funny isn't going to help me. I know, that my 'thoughts' are just getting repressed. They are piling up, becoming a mountain of negative thoughts, waiting for the perfect time to burst and ruin me. I'm so scared.
I keep blaming, and blaming myself. I'm scared of the future. I know saying all these doesn't help my problem. It will only get worse if I keep thinking about it. But it will also get worse if I don't do something about it.
You know, every time I try to start doing something positive, I doubt myself, "Can I pull this off?", "Am I even worth it to make something good?"
GOD, I'm so pathetic.
I thought I was a strong person, you know? I didn't care about the world. I didn't care what people think. But what I also didn't realize, my ignorance is what keeps me from getting close to people. I didn't care. Why didn't I care? I want to care. I need to care. But... I just don't.
Anyway, I'm writing this not because I want any of you guys to give me advice. This writing alone makes me feel like I'm being productive. That's it. Peace.
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